grrr snort snort

Opinions are wonderful when they don't conflict with others opinions. Right now I wish I didn't have them. I know that the day will pass, and eventually I won't feel so upset. Right now I feel like yelling from the rooftops that I disagree. Ugh - let it go woman!

What I don't want

I don't want him here.

I remember having that realization when my father died. I didn't want him to be alive - not the way he was. In a "perfect" world I would have my father but more than that I would have a healthy father. My father wasn't healthy than so to want him here was actually cruel.

I feel this way about Cameron. I can't speak of Cameron for any length of time without crying. I can't look at pictures for long before I choke back tears. I find myself groping for words to say to Teri and Madison. So what do I do?! I do what I always do - Think. I think about what I am feeling and why I am feeling it and dissect it into itty bitty pieces.

I miss Cameron. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss how he would disagree with me. I miss how he would pose questions to me. I miss talking with him. I miss hearing about his achievements. I miss seeing him on holidays. I miss celebrating with him. I miss seeing him fall in love. I miss going to his wedding. I miss the children he never had. I miss the sister-in-law I will never know. I miss who he was and who he may have been.

STOP!

I know Cameron. I know he loves God. I know he accepted Jesus. I know he was sick. I know he hurt. I know he was strong. I know he fought. I know he NEVER quit. I know he accepted. I know he was ready. I know he loved us. I know he is whole. I know he is happy. I know he is healthy. I know he is where he wants to be. I know he is praising God. I know he is waiting for us to join him in Heaven.

I do miss Cameron and I wish he were here, but I wish a healthy Cameron was here and he wasn't healthy. I want peace and happiness for all of my loved ones. Of course, I love for them to have peace and happiness here on earth with me. I rejoice in having my friends and family in my life and thank God for them. I don't know why this wasn't God's will for Cameron, or my dad, or Missy, or Gregg and so many others. I don't know. But I know I will spend each day reminding myself to be Thankful for the time I did have Cameron in my life. I will rejoice that he had the life he did, that it was God's will for him. He ran his course. He carried his cross.

Now it's time for me to run my course. It's time for me to carry my cross. This grief is part of that load. I am being stretched and pulled in ways I would not have pulled myself but I am not the potter. The Lord is making me into what He would have me to be. I know I may have imperfections in the clay that is me. I may resist. I pray that I never become dry and brittle but that rather I lean on the everlasting arms of God and refresh myself in the love of Jesus. I can NOT be brittle. I have tasted of the Living Waters of the Lord and am a child of the King. Through Him and only in Him will I have victory - just as Cameron did.

Oh Happy Day! Oh Happy Day! When Jesus washed my sins away!

I can be patient. I can wait on the Lord. I can accept His will. I can have peace. & I will.

5 days

.....that's all it took. We celebrated Mother's Day, took lots of pictures and a video, and five days later Cameron was gone to Heaven.

Like tidal waves it rolls over me. There is so much I know in my mind. I know I will see him again. I know he is no longer in pain. I know he is at peace and happy and yet the pain - it's hard to catch my breath. I wipe the tears and more come. I prayed so hard for Cameron's cancer to subside. I tried to submit to God's will. I tried to prepare myself but I couldn't. For the first time in my christian life I was not submitted to God's will and so I wasn't ready. Now I have no choice. God's will has been done. There is no more room to pray for earthly healing. I don't know exactly what to do now.

I think on God's promises and I am trying to give the pain over to the Lord. I talk to Teri about focusing on God's will and promises but I know, at least a sliver, of how hard it is to do this. I ache and heave with pain and I can not fathom the pain Teri and Ron feel. I can not grasp what it must be like for Ryan and Madison.

It hurts and with each heave of breath and onslaught of tears it is almost symbolic of the struggle to submit. I want to submit; I want to have peace. It is almost as if when I have the exhaustion from the emotional release I have submitted a little more. So I will cry. I will remember Cameron and pray that little by little sorrow is replaced with joy. Little by little the grimace of heartache will be replaced with smiles and laughter as I remember such a wonderful young man.

In life he taught me so much but I believe in his death I will learn some of my greatest and most difficult lessons. I will have victory over this sorrow and to God be the glory.

I love you Cameron and I love my Lord and Saviour. What a blessing that I will see my Saviour and you will be there too. A family forever praising the Lord.

Home Sweet Home?

Cameron comes home tomorrow but it's bittersweet. We have waited for so long for this fight to be over but this isn't how we'd prayed for victory. Victory is here for sure but not here on earth.

I don't know why and I won't understand until I too have gone to Glory with the Lord. Until than I and many others will be left here to miss someone we have loved so dearly. The grief we feel is a testimony to what a wonderful young man Cameron is. He makes us laugh. He makes us think. He's made us cry. And someday we will rejoice when we see him again.

Until than we will love him and cherish each moment we have for him. We will try and find the laughter and hold tight to all of the memories we have with him. Some as his brother, some as his friend, and some as a son who brought what was and is uniquely him.

My prayer now is that he will have as little pain as possible. If I dare say it, I wish he had no pain at all. I know that this will probably not come to pass but I take tremendous peace in knowing that in a moment, a twinkling of an eye, he will have peace. He will be free of this corrupted earthly body and be blessed with a perfect, healthy, and eternal new being.

My heart breaks when I think of his pain. My heart breaks when I think of life without him. My heart breaks when I think of Ryan, Madison and especially Ron & Teri. But I won't let my heart break too loudly as so that it could disturb this time we have left with one another.

I love Cameron and he is still here and I will enjoy and cherish each and every moment I can.

Have I ever mentioned

Have I ever mentioned I'm not a morning person. No really! I am in no way shape or form a morning person. Yet - I had to get up early this morning - after staying up late! - to drive to Redmond for a Soccer Jamboree. Don't get me wrong, Olivia is very very much worth it, but it still doesn't change the fact that I am not a morning person.

I will have to post pictures later but now I will just say that I found out that McKenna & Bostin will get their Gold Metal!!! So exciting!

I'm going to go to bed now. I have nothing else much to say other than I have a wonderful life even when full of strife........... and early mornings! : ) Had a wonderful visit with Madison and Jacob & I have a loving family. Life is good. I am blessed.

Team Cameron

The T-shirts are ordered and I am so excited!!!!

Through the pain and into prayer

We visited Cameron last night for a brief but utterly devastating 15 minutes last night. It's hard to find words that truly express the pain you feel when you watch a loved one suffer so tremendously. So badly you yearn to help ease the pain as if you could take a bit of your health and give it to them. We all would if we could and in that way some how make him whole again. Yet we know that we can't do this. We stayed longer talking to Teri and perspective comes back again quickly slapping you in the face. If we have pain in watching Cameron struggle and fight to survive and beat this cancer, how much more so is Teri and Ron suffering. We all must give our children to the Lord. It's so incredibly difficult to do this. So difficult not to cling to our children and claim them as ours. But in giving them to the Lord we know that He will take care of them better than we ever could despite our best efforts and deepest desires. This is something I know Teri knows all too well.

Through it all there has been one common theme - Prayer. Prayer that God would cure Cameron of this cancer. Prayer that God would bring comfort to Cameron and the family. Prayer that God's will would be done. Prayer that God would give us peace in whatever His will maybe.

I love Cameron so deeply and I love Ryan, Teri, Ron and Madison. I think this is one of the most painful experiences I have had since the death of my father. He is so young and yet so strong. I believe in a God of miracles, love and mercy. I know that in the end we will come out stronger. I don't know if we will ever understand why things have happened the way they have - at least not here on earth. I do know though that when this is done we will cling to each other and count our blessings.

I thank the Lord for this family and I just encourage all to never forget how blessed we truly are.


Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
(Romans 5:1-6)